How to survive parenting a teenager

Parenting a teenager is a lot like breaking in a good horse. Give a fresh horse too much free rein, and he will be unpredictable, willful, and easily spooked.  Apply just the right amount of gentle but consistent pressure and the horse will know who's in charge but also realize that he is being appreciated for the spirited animal that he is.

Parenting a teenager requires the same finesse. You must recognize and consider your child's personality even while helping him to respect authority and to act responsibly.  This means keeping a careful rein on his willfulness without breaking his spirit. A wise parent knows how to give just the right amount of control without losing it.

Consistence is essential when parenting your teenager.  Parents who experience the greatest frustration are often those who either jerk the reins of control in frustration or fear, or allow too much freedom.  Teenagers need know that boundaries are consistent and unchanging.  Parents who want to survive parenting a teenager can't make being a friend the goal of the relationship.  Teenagers pick and choose friendships from among their peers.  If you want to be your child's friend, wait until he becomes an adult.

As teenagers go through various stages of development they send mixed messages to their parents. Young teens start to rebel at family outings and want the freedom to wander off and find a "herd" of their own.  But at the same time they want to know that mom and dad are around when they call. 

Adolescents that are midway through the teen years are sure that they are mature enough to be treated like adults. They want parents to show up at all the sports activities and plays but hovering is not cool. Mid-adolescent teens want their parents to keep a low profile. 

Older teens begin to relate differently to family members.They are becoming acutely aware that they will soon be leaving the safety of home to embark on life as a young adult. Older teenagers turn up at the oddest moment to cuddle on the couch or just hang around mom and dad. 

No matter what stage of development your teenager is in, staying connected is extremely important.  Keep gently insisting that your young teen participate in an occasional family activity.  Show up regularly at your middle adolescent's activities to show support and stay involved in the areas that they are interested in.  And when your older teen seems to want to just hang out or offers a spontaneous hug, enjoy it.  This show of affection means that your teenager values his relationship with you and is still seeking reassurance of your love.

If you want to stay on top of your teenager's journey through adolescent and into adulthood, know who your teenager's friends are.  The best way to accomplish this is to let your house become a local teen hangout.  If you are a person who is used to having a place for everything and everything in its place, you may have to be okay with organized chaos and a whole lot of craziness while your children are teenagers.  It all comes down to your priorities.  You can provide a comfortable, informal environment where your adolescents' friends know they are welcome, or you can sit at home in your pristine house while your teens hang out somewhere else.

Teenagers need a space to call their own and a sense of privacy to go along with it.  Your family room or even the unfinished basement can become the perfect place for teens to gather.  Add a refrigerator for soda, a cupboard or two for storage, and some comfy furniture and you're good to go. Try out your parenting skills by being the cool mom or dad that pops in and casually meets and greets and then tactfully withdraws just far enough away to give your teenagers space. Don't leave the house though, when it's full of teenagers.  Remember that teenagers are works in progress and still capable of testing the limits.

Statistically, adolescents who enjoy hanging out with their friends in their own home are less likely to become involved in drugs and alcohol. If you want to know what your kids are into, then invite them into your home.

 Many moms and dads make the mistake of pouring almost all of themselves into their children and giving precious little to each other during the parenting years. Remember that one day it will be just the two of you again.  Although the idea of being an empty nest may seem sad right now, the years that come after your teenagers have all flown the coop should be filled with the wonderment of rediscovering your spouse in a new way.

 When the last child heads off to college or moves out on his own, you will be entering a new season in your lives.  Let it be a time for enjoying all the things you've only dreamt about over the past few years.  Perhaps you'll relish the simple things like sitting together in front of the fireplace or playing that Wii game that your kids gave you two years ago.  Maybe you'll decide to take a road trip across country to reconnect with old friends or take your first romantic cruise.

Don't wait until the last child leaves to start planning for your future. And when that time finally comes, just make sure not to brood too long over your empty nest. Your adolescents may be gone from the house, but they'll return as young adult men and women. In the meantime, get out there and enjoy your new life without teenagers.

One mother faces the challenges of parenting teens